| THE BULLY IN THE CUPBOARD
Jess Mount set it up, Jess Mount saw to it and Jess Mount
saw it through to its conclusion. The bully had been threatening the
little village for six weeks now. Such was his power that he could walk
into the village store and take anything he wanted, walk into the pub
and demand drinks that sent him into an inferno of rage where he was at
his most dangerous. Nobody knew where he came from and everybody
wished that he would go back there, go back whence he came. He was six
foot tall and built like a concrete outhouse, his fists were like
cannonballs, his chest like that of a barrel, and he could look after
himself too. Most of the young bucks in the village had tried their
luck on him and every Man Jack was beaten to a pulp. Hence: fear
reigned!
Old Jess Mount bided his time, studied him,
followed him and spied on him. For two months now he had finally got
to know his weakness. HE WAS AFRAID OF CATS! Jess knew this as a fact
because the bully had demanded that the pub take down its huge picture
of a tiger and when the pub’s cat came near him he broke out in a sweat
saying he was allergic to cats.
The bully dossed down in his caravan pulled
by an old horse that had seen better days. The bully was even cruel to
his horse, kicking it and whipping it.
SCENE: (The bully’s caravan. Bully is stretched out in a drunken stupor)
JESS: (Thinking) I could burn the bastard alive if I had a mind
to. But what would be the fun in that, the smoke would overcome him and
he’d die. No, I’ve got something up my sleeve that’ll be by far the
better and nobody would be any the wiser.
Jess locks the door of the old caravan adding a padlock
of his own and makes sure that the bully cannot get out by screwing the
wooden door to its frame. The windows were not a problem as the bully
was too big for them.
Then he unloaded the box from the cart. He
hauled the box over to the caravan and opened it. From it he took a
sack with something large and slack in it. He hauled and pushed the
sack through one of the open windows…then he went home.
The next day Jess approached the caravan. It
was daylight and the sun streamed through the caravan window. Inside
was a scene of total devastation.
When the drug had only partially worn off,
the big old tomcat had made for the only source of warmth that he could
find: the barrel-chest of the bully. The bully took no notice as he
was too drunk and the cat took no notice as he was too drugged and
slept the rest of the night on the chest of the bully.
When the bully woke there was some kind of
weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and found himself staring into
the biggest pair of yellow cats eyes that he ever saw. He leapt from
the bed, ignoring the massive hangover, and made for the door. It
wouldn’t open. He put his shoulder to it. It still wouldn’t open. By
now the cat was beginning to prowl and to hiss and to spit because this
cat didn’t take too kindly to humans and was the biggest and meanest
moggy the village had ever seen. Jess had to lay a trail of drugged
meat in order to coax him and when he at last dropped, he bundled him
into the bag. Now he was a roaring, spitting, hissing ball of anger and
was STALKING the bully who tore the caravan apart to try and get away
from those claws, that fur, those fangs, that cat-stink!
It must have taken an awful lot of
squeezing for the bully to get into that tiny cupboard; it would have
taken an expert contortionist to have pulled-off that feat of
endurance. The big tomcat must have thought he had caught the biggest
mouse on the surface of the earth for still those claws were pawing
underneath, with talons outstretched.
BULLY: (An unearthly muffled high scream came from the cupboard)
IIIIEEEAHHH! G-g-get it a-away f-f-from me! S-s-someone h-h-help me!
(Sobbing cries)
JESS: Got you, you bastard! Now I’ll get the rest of the village
up here before I let you out…see, how do you like being scared
shitless?
BULLY: W-w-who’s there? C-c-can you g-get me out…?
JESS: Sure, I’ll let you out…later. As I said: I’ll go and get the
entire village. I made sure that it was a Saturday night, you bastard,
so that all the village were in church for Sunday morning; I’m sure
you can wait until AFTER the service…
BULLY: No, no! Don’t leave me like this! For Christ sake l-let me out…t-t-there’s a huge cat and…
JESS: Yeh yeh. Bye.
(Half an hour later all the village arrive)
JESS: Are you still in there?
BULLY: (Nearly out of his mind) Yeh! Yeh, will you get this thing away…get it out?
JESS: What do you SAY?
BULLY: W-what d-do you mean?
JESS: That one little word…
BULLY: PLEASE! For god’s sake, for pity’s sake (sobbing now)…
(Goes to work with his screwdriver. Opens door with caution…the cat
is nowhere to be seen! Having heard the village coming, the cat had
leapt out of the window!)
BULLY: Hurry, please hurry!
JESS: Oh look, everybody, how on earth did he get into such a small cupboard?
(By now everybody has had a look at the bully in the cupboard)
EVERYBODY: (Begins to laugh and laugh and laugh pointing at the bully in the cupboard squashed up like a sardine)
JESS: By rights this caravan belongs to the tomcat, now,
wouldn’t you say? You can be sure that he’ll come back to finish where
he left off! (Jess gets to work with a hammer and manages to break up
the cupboard)
BULLY: W-Where’s my horse?
JESS: Your horse has suffered enough. I took him out of harm’s way. You’ll not be needing him will you?
BULLY: Now look here I….
JESS: (Calls) Puss! Puss! Puss! Where are you, Puss….
The echo of the bully’s screams can still be heard on
dark and stormy nights as he runs full pelt into the hills. The tomcat
did indeed take up residence in the old caravan and the ancient horse
was put out to graze and the village was quiet again. Old Jess Mount
was just having a lark, having a lark; old Jess Mount was having a
lark…and enjoying it into the bargain. No super hero he, just a cunning
old fisherman with a large fish to fry!
| 
